There’s different kinds of fear The kind you know and the kind that’s here I saw the face of God in a speeding truck He smiled and spoke but I was stuck I swerved away too close to a fall My bike almost crashed into the wall I flipped the coin and cast my bid Abraham didn’t fail like I did I am just a sacrifice I walked up the mountain with a knife But I failed and now I’m damned to hell I wish I could tell you how it felt The guilt I feel is like a burn It eats away at my will to return God has abandoned me at this height I need to make things right I am just a sacrifice I walked up the mountain with a knife But I failed and now I’m damned to hell I wish I could tell you how it felt I wish I could say I was scared of dying I wish I could say I was scared of flying I wish I could say I was scared of dying I wish I could say I was scared of flying I am just a sacrifice I walked up the mountain with a knife But I failed and now I’m damned to hell I wish I could tell you how it felt

Who is that girl that stays inside? She might be scared, she might want to hide But let her wander into the sun And she will see that it all can be done Let her trade spots for a while Wear your hair long and walk a mile Pick a new name to wear on your chest Save the good friends and leave all the rest I need to run up that hill, I will I need to run up that hill, I will (I will) I need to run up that hill, I will I need to run up that hill, I will (I will) There’s no God at the top Just myself but that’s still a lot Playing both sides for a day Escape from night and walk on the rays I need to run up that hill, I will I need to run up that hill, I will (I will) I need to run up that hill, I will I need to run up that hill, I will (I will) That hill, that hill, that hill At the top you know he will That hill, that hill, that hill At the top you know she will I need to run up that hill, I will I need to run up that hill, I will (I will) I need to run up that hill, I will I need to run up that hill, I will (I will)

I tried to wash your stink off my skin But I can’t seem to get it off You made me unclean And I just want it all to stop Please get away from me I can’t use any help Not anxiety or depression This is fear itself I am unclean I am unclean I am unclean I am unclean I’ve been tainted in a way so evil I can’t look in the mirror I don’t want to have this face Swallowed by pure terror I lay here staring at the ceiling Consumed by something so true A hatred so raw and exposed I want to kill you I am unclean I am unclean I am unclean I am unclean

I didn’t realize how much I had to drink Now I’m hunched over with a head too full to think My brain is buzzing with a frantic strain Panic running but both my ankles are sprained I threw up my antipsychotics I drank up more booze than I wanted I threw up my antipsychotics And today is gonna be a trip At the table I couldn’t hear what she said Sentences fell apart like a loaf of old bread I tried to make sense of all the noise But I looked around and their faces were like toys I threw up my antipsychotics I drank up more booze than I wanted I threw up my antipsychotics And today is gonna be a trip Their words hung in the air all disconnected My thoughts raced around all misdirected Everything was off and everything was wrong So I picked up the pieces and put them in a song I threw up my antipsychotics I drank up more booze than I wanted I threw up my antipsychotics And today is gonna be a trip

I want to hold you Not for you to hold me She said “I love you” And I just wanted to leave Take my hand now Let us walk by the water And imagine a life With a son or a daughter But I know it won’t Ever come true Because I’m broken And I can’t love you I want to hold you Not for you to hold me She said “I love you” And I just wanted to leave She kissed me forever I started to cry Because the truth is I felt nothing inside I ran away then Out to the woods I sobbed in the silence Because I never could I want to hold you Not for you to hold me She said “I love you” And I just wanted to leave

I stepped outside and was swallowed up Hell burned beneath my feet And the devil crept around the corner My feet felt like bricks of lead And my breath shook like December Birds buzzed around my head I could feel them watching These camera spies from the government And my neighbor gave me a smile I knew he was plotting to kill me But waiting for the perfect moment So I put one foot in front of the other But I don't know Oh I don't know I knew God had wanted me dead But I didn’t know how he would do it Would it be someone else’s hand Or my own? Being damned is a strange thing You walk with weights so heavy You feel like your spine is going to snap But at the same time it made me feel strong Knowing that God hadn’t killed me yet And I was living off borrowed time There must something be special about you If the greatest being singles you out And places you on that cross Maybe that’s too much But I don’t know Oh I don’t know I turned the corner and he shot me a look I knew that he wanted to do something evil So I quickened up my pace But he passed and I was still alive I waited for him to double back But he just kept on walking It’s so peculiar how people say things with their eyes And then don’t act on them Even when I know that it’s what they want But I don't know Oh I don't know I watched the street move and bubble As my eyes couldn’t focus And I had to shut them for a minute When I opened them it was bright And I needed to get home So I started walking faster I could feel the eyes on me Everyone watching and listening To everything I did to everything I said When I got home I slammed the door And ran upstairs to my bedroom And cried in the sheets It’s so exhausting being hunted Every second is a mile With a target on your back But then the paranoia faded But I was still scared Because I knew I sounded insane But I don't know Oh I don't know

I gave her my razors, I don’t want them anymore I know they hurt to hold, but I’m bleeding and I’m sore I surrender myself all to you I don’t think I could trust me too I make promises that I don’t keep Said I’d never cut at thirteen I filed down my nails but they keep growing sharp Why does my body hate me? Let me rest my aching heart

The trouble with being psychotic, is that you don’t know that you're sick You see a few things, hear a whisper or two, But you don’t even know that you’re acting strange When I started seeing auras, I thought everybody could It didn’t strike me until after that something was off That realization’s the worst, it’s like waking up From a nightmare into a nightmare that’s real You freak out for a spell, have a panic attack Throw up and try to put on a smile Everything feels so wrong, like it’s tilted a few degrees And you can’t think straight no matter how hard you try Cause the visions don’t go away, I kept hearing voices But I knew they weren’t there and that was the worst part I knew I was losing my mind, but I didn’t know how to stop it I just kept on spiraling down through my life But my dosage went up, now I take some more pills And things are finally a little bit stable again So I guess that’s good, haven’t seen an aura in a while But I’m always scared that they’ll just come right back

How could just one night Affect me every day You are evil I pray that you’ll pay You told me that it was “Our little secret” I cannot tell anyone I damn your name I used to tell myself That it wasn’t real But that didn’t help I can’t escape what I feel And now there’s tears in my eyes And I can’t get out of bed And I shake when I see your house Because that’s where it happened

I come to you on another lonely night But now I’ve grown older and I know what’s right I know not to find solace in delusion I have real friends that I can be true to I might be scared to sleep with you But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love This thing inside of me is screaming out But you soothe that horrible pain I want to become closer to you I want our blood to run in one vein Our bodies would be intertwined Breathing each other’s air I reject you Cynthia I know what’s real I know what’s real I reject you Cynthia I can breathe and I can heal You took my razors away And held me when I cried naked in your arms I sobbed until the end of time Souls so close our breaths did rhyme I confessed to you what I almost did About the lies and about the Bridge How I stared into the face of God How in truth I should be gone I told you how I didn’t know what’s real How I didn’t know what I should feel How I met the devil as a little boy How he smiled with a thousand teeth I reject you Cynthia I know what’s real I know what’s real I reject you Cynthia I can breathe and I can heal This love is real That’s something I know is true In every hour of every day I love you

But I got up today And I saw the morning sun My bones felt heavy and fragile all at once This life isn’t over I am hurt and I am broken But I’m working to put these pieces together again I walked past the Bridge And through the Door And the Gate is just a hole in the wall I can live in hope And get up another day Because I am not just a little boy anymore These days are long And I know I’m not that strong But I still get up and deny his power over me I am better than this I refuse to die! I don’t have to be trapped by what happened that night But I got up today And I saw the morning sun My bones felt heavy and fragile all at once This life isn’t over I am hurt and I am broken But I’m working to put these pieces together again I walked past the Bridge And through the Door And the Gate is just a hole in the wall I can live in hope And get up another day Because I am not just a little boy anymore I screamed into the darkness I bled into the sink These bones can’t take much more of this But I will outlive you I damn your name I’ll see you in the deepest pits of Hell But I got up today And I saw the morning sun My bones felt heavy and fragile all at once This life isn’t over I am hurt and I am broken But I’m working to put these pieces together again I walked past the Bridge And through the Door And the Gate is just a hole in the wall I can live in hope And get up another day Because I am not just a little boy anymore