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My Butterfly Collection

by Will Gardiner

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1.
Piano Teacher 03:30
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I took piano lessons when I was young My mom drove me there every week I never did practice enough But I still loved to learn and play the keys My teacher was a lovely woman I would play with her son But one day I remember The floodgates came undone I started crying during the lesson I couldn’t articulate why Just that something had happened And all I could do was cry What if I could’ve said all that What if I could’ve said his name I know I can’t undo the past But I think about what could’ve changed Of course I played it off as something else To be honest I didn’t really know I cried a lot when I was young I became good at hiding the flow Now I know just what it was Why I was scared of those stairs at night I’ll never be free from this fear Only drag it out into the light What if I could’ve said all that What if I could’ve said his name I know I can’t undo the past But I think about what could’ve changed Fear worked itself into my life In every corner of my soul When I recount these stories of agony I hope to free them and make me whole What if I could’ve said all that What if I could’ve said his name I know I can’t undo the past But I think about what could’ve changed
2.
For Me, Not You 03:31
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It’s been so long since I’ve cried Maybe since I held you and died But now I’m forced to think what it’s like to finally be alive I’ve been dead for many years Haunted by ghosts and fears But now I’ve seen what been holding back all these tears It won’t solve everything yeah I know But it’s a piece of the puzzle to my soul It’ll lift me on up out of this painful and confusing hole Emotions can’t be spoken to all of them So I’ll hold it inside until the end I wish I could share it with even just one friend I’ve been living a lie but now I know Who I am even if I can’t show The world I know that this is true Let me be me, for me, not you I’ve known for many years but lied to myself Too many problems that needed help But now that I’ve grown I can see it was always on the shelf I knew the devil and I knew God They twisted up my nervous thoughts Now I know this feeling isn’t just something to drop It’s core to who I am it’s here everyday So I grew my hair out but hid it away Something so private I know those words I’ll never say I played the part and sang the songs But deep down I know that something was wrong I want to be someone different and not just play along I’ve been living a lie but now I know Who I am even if I can’t show The world I know that this is true Let me be me, for me, not you
3.
And I 03:38
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And I miss your eyes And I am trying not to die And you are forever in my heart And you are my missing part But now the sun begins to set But now I know I must forget And I am looking for an end And I am searching for a friend And you haunt me every day And you never go away But now the sun begins to set But now I know I must forget Because these things never release Because I am drowning in the leaves But now the sun begins to set But now I know I must forget
4.
The Walls of My Heart 03:38
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Confessing it all to you The only one who can really understand Never have I been more vulnerable Afraid of everything afraid of that man Sitting curled in the car seat Tears lining the edges of my eyes Wrenching this horrible memory out my soul I couldn’t look at you only at the sky Breaking down the walls of my heart Showing you what I really am inside I’m terrified to be honest But to live there’s some things I can’t hide I remember another time I told you the truth I was curled up on the bathroom floor Coughing up bile and ugly things You stood there waiting at the door I didn’t say much but I said enough For you to know I had been living through Hell How every day tore me down again and again Your kindness helped me more than I can ever tell Breaking down the walls of my heart Showing you what I really am inside I’m terrified to be honest But to live there’s some things I can’t hide I know we don’t always see eye to eye But you’ve been there for me when it gets bad I hope one day I can show you this song And let you know I’m glad that you’re my dad Breaking down the walls of my heart Showing you what I really am inside I’m terrified to be honest But to live there’s some things I can’t hide
5.
Love 03:14
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If love could’ve kept you alive Then you would have never died Love was all I had to give I would’ve killed myself to see you live God himself promised me that How to go to heaven with one final act It’s true that I wasn’t afraid at all Never have I felt that much calm Your death defined who I was It broke me down and took my love I thought of you only every night In my life you were the one true light Don’t put all your love in one person Soon you’ll only be chasing hearses I walked to the tracks to see you again I didn’t care if it meant the end I grieved and grieved for so many years Had so many dreams and so many fears I plotted and planned to bring you back I got myself lost and found the tracks When I wrote that note I didn’t know It wouldn’t really matter when it’s time to go I didn’t even think about my mom and dad Just that it was time and I was glad In the moment I have never felt better All my worries gone, light as a feather Missing you was all I could be But now I know you were living in me Don’t put all your love in one person Soon you’ll only be chasing hearses I walked to the tracks to see you again I didn’t care if it meant the end
6.
Unsafe 03:49
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I don’t like being around you Your presence makes me feel unsafe Please get far away from me I never want to see your face I thought we were friends but you crossed a line Now things are all burned to ash I know I should have just said no But I was too scared to go down that path So don’t touch me ever again I’m scared of what you might do I don’t care if it’s all a joke I shouldn’t cry when I leave the room You pull me back to when I was young I feel so helpless and small I can’t fight or run I just freeze Backed up against the wall It gets worse every time My heart beating out of my chest Locking the door huddled in bed I think you all know the rest So don’t touch me ever again I’m scared of what you might do I don’t care if it’s all a joke I shouldn’t cry when I leave the room So now I have to confront you I won’t let the cycle repeat You put your hands where they shouldn’t go You need to know what you’ve done to me I hope it makes you suffer Makes you cry with guilty wrath I know these thoughts are selfish But I’m so scared that you’ll laugh So don’t touch me ever again I’m scared of what you might do I don’t care if it’s all a joke I shouldn’t cry when I leave the room
7.
I Want To Be Hurt 02:53
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The last time I hurt myself It was in the morning before 10 I scratched my left arm with a bottle cap Left ugly jagged marks on my skin I had to hide my wrist the rest of the day Well really for a few weeks after The wounds weren’t that deep but stung like hell But I covered it up with cheap laughter I wish I could say I had a realization That hurting myself was a bad thing to do But in reality I loved it so much I still think about it when I think about you I want to be hurt I want to feel pain To die in an accident that stops my brain I want to be gone I want to be dead I want a bullet deep in my head The first time I hurt myself I didn’t even use a tool Just punched myself as hard as I could Left bruises I covered up at school I didn’t even know why I did it Just that I wanted to suffer To turn that mental pain into something real I wish I was made of something tougher But then it became an addiction Something I craved and craved I can’t even describe that aching I tried to be strong but I always caved I want to be hurt I want to feel pain To die in an accident that stops my brain I want to be gone I want to be dead I want a bullet deep in my head
8.
Again 03:57
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Rotting away in bed Is this what it all led to? I’ve been through so much And learned nothing new I waste away the days My body giving in My youth draining away It’s not sanctity or sin Staring at the wall Writhing in the sheets Crying empty tears Being swallowed by defeat Forgot to eat again It’s not sadness or despair Who knows where I have been? And who even really cares? So I write my little depression songs And think about the end Relive every nightmare I’ve lived And damn your name again They don’t speak softly they scream so loud I’m overwhelmed by it all So many things have dragged me down I need to make that call It’s been a year since I cut myself And I guess I should feel proud But what worth is a success like that When I can’t even say it aloud? I play this guitar every day But barely have gotten better I should burn it in a pyre And then would I be untethered? So I write my little depression songs And think about the end Relive every nightmare I’ve lived And damn your name again They don’t speak softly they scream so loud I’m overwhelmed by it all So many things have dragged me down I need to make that call
9.
Hold Me In Your Heart 03:04
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I am going on my way I won’t be back for many days I think this might be the end I’m glad I could call you my friend Think about the times we shared How much we laughed how much we cared This life had good times I won’t deny But now all I can do is cry So please, remember me And please, smile for me And please, hold me in your heart So please, remember me And please, smile for me And please, hold me in your heart I wrote this note a million times No matter the words it felt like lies These things aren’t right these things aren’t fair Sometimes it’s just too much to bear Don’t follow me don’t make my mistakes Let me be selfish in every way Cherish this life and what it holds Please oh please just please grow old So please, remember me And please, smile for me And please, hold me in your heart So please, remember me And please, smile for me And please, hold me in your heart
10.
Unsafe, Pt. 2 03:20
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I said no this time I said no so many times But you didn’t stop I had to push you off me I talked myself out of confronting you last time But this time was unforgivable I feel so violated I feel like a child I was so scared to confront you Walking up those stairs Knocking on your door My hand was shaking uncontrollably I told you what you did to me You said that you were sorry But then started defending yourself What kind of monster have I befriended? I laid in bed for hours after Replaying it over and over in my head I couldn’t even cry Staring at the wall, feeling nothing And I saw his evil in your eyes Covering up your sin with lies Satan himself in my life again For a moment he touched my skin And I saw his evil in your eyes Covering up your sin with lies Satan himself in my life again For a moment he touched my skin
11.
My Butterfly Collection 03:31
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These memories are like butterflies I’ve caught in my jar I could’ve let them fly away to a land that is so far But instead I examine them and identify each one Sear their names into my brain under the setting sun Is it my fault that I know each and every wing? Is it normal to try to understand every thing? What if I could just let them go away into the trees Why did I have to pin them for eternity This is my butterfly collection A testament to my life I know every wing and scale And I know it’ll be alright I caught a Painted Lady and I stuck it in a box It’ll be in there forever until I’m under rocks I’ll memorize each and every shape that decorate its frame Recite the words and names until it all sounds the same Even if it hurts so bad to know exactly what occurred It brings a sense of comfort to wipe away the blur These memories define who I am and I will live with that Dead butterflies and nightmares will show me where I’m at This is my butterfly collection A testament to my life I know every wing and scale And I know it’ll be alright

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released November 3, 2022

All songs written and performed by Will Gardiner.

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Will Gardiner Illinois

basement folk recording artist.

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